I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
