Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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