you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
