after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
