It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
