Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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