dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
