Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Im part way to drunk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
