I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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