i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
