I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
