So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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