Well douche your snatch and let's go!
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
