Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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