tequila makes me forget i have legs
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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