Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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