Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
