Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
