the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
