She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
