i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
