Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
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my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
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I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"