It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
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i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here