Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
