Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
