You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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