I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
