So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
