Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i believe in u and ur pee
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
