I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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