My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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