Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
PANTIES FOUND
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