my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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