I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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