I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
