I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Couch. On fire.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
