I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
