I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
