meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
