Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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