Banned from zoo.
Again?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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