You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
