I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The struggles of a small town man whore
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
