So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Its about making memories worth repressing
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I need to calm my uterus...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
