Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
