I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
