I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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