Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
