never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
