Me. At least after what I've been through.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
