i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize