I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
