shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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