they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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