shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
