I'm so fucking centered right now
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
