I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
